The 10-Step Guide To Enjoying The Hottest Wings

April 11, 2016 | Leave a Comment

STEP 1: The Desire

It's like a fever and the only prescription is more hot sauce. You can't be on the fence about ordering the most extreme hot wings. You have to be committed physically and prepared mentally.

STEP 2: The Order

As soon as you open up that menu, there it is. Your stomach guides your eyes to the exact order it needs right now. Why does this menu even have more than one page? More than one item? They should just show you a picture of hot wings and a cold beer, you nod your head to the server, end of transaction.

STEP 3: The Wait

For the brave, this is the most painful part of our hot-wing-enjoyment process. Waiting for those fresh, crispy, saucy, tender, deep-fried delights to be dropped on your table...we feel your pain.

STEP 4: The Delivery

You and the server lock eyes. He looks down at the plate, then back at you. You look down at the plate, then back at him. It's time. Your excitement is ready to boil over. When those wings hit the table you're going to tackle them harder than J.J. Watt.

STEP 5: The Bouquet

The aroma of our hottest sauce, Braveheart, will make a grown man cry. As legend has it, the Brawny man wept so hard after catching a wiff of our sauce, he cut down a tree and created the most durable paper towels to dry his tears. It should be noted, in his case they were tears of joy.

STEP 6: The Initial Bite

After rubbing your hands together like a villain, it's time to dive in. Your teeth break through that crispy, juicy meat and the sauce engulfs your lips, gums, tongue, cheeks, finger tips, and the corners of your mouth. You start feeling a burning sensation in parts of your mouth you didn't know had nerve endings. This is nirvana.

STEP 7: The Devouring

These next nine wings slide down your gullet like a pelican swooping down into the bayou to grab the catch of the day. You're in the zone. There's no pain here, just pleasure.

STEP 8: The Final Chowdown

That invincible feeling abandons you around the 11th wing (or hour, if you will). You've come this far, but you've hit the wall of fire. This is where you earn your place at the grown-up table. You don't know where your belly ends and your legs begin, but you know you need to finish these wings.

STEP 9: The Cool Down

Congratulations, you played yourself. You thought after finishing 12 wings smothered in our hottest sauce that there wouldn't be consequences? Wrong. Your finger tips, lips and mouth are on fire. Water won't help and beer will only numb the pain. Milk, bread, and sugar are the only things that can save you now.

STEP 10: The Relief

A full loaf of bread and a half gallon of milk later, you're back and ready to take on the world. Remember, these wings are only for the wildest of the wild.