The Sauce Awards - Week 15December 20, 2017 | Leave a Comment
Welcome to Week 15 of the Sauce Awards! We've got a great week of sauce in store for you. It might be the best sauce your eyes have ever tasted. Unless your eyes have tasted any of our other wing sauces, which we don't recommend. Or you just agreed with the opinions of past articles more, then maybe that sauce tasted better to your eyes. Ok, wow. Here it is:
Atomic Meltdown - Jason Kelce loses his cool at practice
This is all the evidence we need to know that Nick Foles is terrible. I mean, he has to be. How else do you explain your Pro Bowl Center booting a recycling bin and storming out of practice? You can't, it's the only logical explanation for this outburst. Jason Kelce knows something that we don't. The Giants game was a fluke, 2013 was a fluke, and the Eagles season is essentially over. Not technically, but effectively. They're going to get a first-round bye then play a quarterback who doesn't get offended by Napoleon Dynamite comparisons and it will all be over. I'll be here on this very blog waiting to say, "I told you so." You'll probably say something like, "Wild Wing Cafe blogger, why did you do this to us? Why did you curse the Eagles?" And I'll say, "because, you need to be nicer to our servers." And then I'll disappear into the offseason leaving you to wonder why you ever thought it was ok to leave a tip smaller than 20%.
Flying Fajita - Devontae Booker hurdles Colts defender for a TD
Of all my years watching the NFL, and of all the YouTube wormholes I've been sucked into, I have never once seen someone hurdle a player this cleanly AND pick up this many yards afterward. You guys, I'm sure, have all seen this type of play before. They're always awesome, but most of the time there's a defender helping over-the-top who knocks the runner out of bounds or throws off their momentum. Not here. Davontae Booker jumps about 15-feet in the air then picks up another 20 yards and six points to go with it. Sigh, I suppose this sort of thing only happens to the Colts. Somewhere Peyton Manning is twirling pizza dough and smiling because nothing feels better than seeing your ex underachieve.
Gold Rush - P Diddy wants to buy the Panthers
Put on your imagination caps for a minute and picture P Diddy becoming the owner of the Panthers...
Ciroc is now the official drink of Charlotte, Greg Olsen and the Seventh Floor Crew returned to the studio for a follow up single, halftime shows at Bank of America Stadium are now on-field cyphers between Fat Joe and Xzibit, and Colin Kaepernick is the starting QB. Jerry Richardson's statue has been torn down and replaced with a statue of Puff, MJ and Jake Delhomme playing a game of 21. Telestrators line every building on South Tryon and Diddy comes on to deliver a motivational speech to commuters every morning.
... Now, I for one, want to live in that world. But I know that P doesn't have the $2.3B that Richardson is seeking for the team. So, we are starting a GoFundMe to cover the remaining $1.5B Diddy needs to buy the franchise. Please donate guys, it will be really sweet.
Braveheart - Steelers fan gets heated
Oh, you can't beat the Patriots? So what? Nobody can beat the Patriots. You know, some people have real problems, Steelers fan. Some of our teams can't even beat the Buccaneers. Not to mention, Boston and Pittsburgh are the two winningest sports markets in the US since 2000, so don't be a spoiled brat just because you got a gas-powered scooter for Christmas and your neighbor got a dirt bike. Enjoy the fact that you get to flaunt your new whip to the other 29 kids in the neighborhood as they wipe out every time they hit a bump on the sidewalk with their Razor scooters.
The Slayer - Rams punish Seahawks at home
The media has been calling this game a passing-of-the-torch. A young, explosive Rams team punishing the once dominate Seahawks on their home turf, the Legion of Boom's allegiance questioned after Bobby Wagner and Earl Thomas got into a postgame Twitter dispute, and a 3rd and 20 play that maybe, sort of, kinda shows some 'quit.' Perhaps Richard Sherman and co. no longer respect a coach who wears Nike Air Monarchs on the sideline. Perhaps they'd favor someone who slides into the locker room in a pair of Heelys. If that's the case and you're Seattle's management, see if you can pay your stars with fidget spinners and Tech Decks this offseason.
- Cam Newton and Clay Matthews' spicy mic'd up red zone chat - North Dakota State lineman pops his own arm back into place between plays - Boise State's 360 spin formation - Jimmy Garappolo is now 5-0 as a starter
That's all we've got, see you next week!