The Sauce Awards - Week 16December 28, 2017 | Leave a Comment
Welcome to Week 16 of the Sauce Awards, folks. The playoff picture has almost fully taken shape and there really are quite a few quality teams that could lose to the Patriots this year. Now, that's not totally fair, half the teams that could beat the Patriots are in the NFC and won't ever get a chance. C'est la vie. Let's get saucy:
Red Dragon - Andy Reid celebrates as Santa
If you're a Chiefs player, the possibility that Andy Reid is actually Santa Clause has to have crossed your mind once or twice. And no one should blame you for thinking such thoughts, the similarities are uncanny:
-Wind burnt face
-Rides a sleigh
-Jolly (after wins)
-Wind burnt face
-Likes to sled
-Gives disappointed looks
I've been put in timeout plenty of times with far less evidence. Though, I do think it would be helpful to play for a Santa-coach, especially early in your career when you're trying to learn winning habits. For one, you'll develop excellent character because you'll always practice like someone's watching. Because someone is always watching... Cutting corners when you sleep? Congrats, you just got fined. Santa-coach was livestreaming your REM cycle. Saying a curse word while singing along to your favorite rap song? Wow, that's a big no-no for Santa-coach. He had an intern fill your locker with coal. I think you can see how this coaching style gets the most out of players.
The Slayer - Russell Wilson sideline stiff arm
I have a theory, folks. A real, plausible theory that's just stupid enough to be true.
For those who don't know, Future and Russell Wilson's wife, Ciara, previously used to date. They also have a kid together, Future Jr., who is now being raised by the Seattle QB. Apparently, Future isn't over Ciara and doesn't like the idea of his son being raised by someone else. So, with multiple reports and plenty of sneak disses on records we can probably conclude that Future is a creepy, jealous, ex-boyfriend. And what do creepy, jealous, ex-boyfriends do? They put out bounties on their former lover's new man. This explains why Russell is so injury prone but I think just about anyone would be injury prone if professional athletes (who probably make very good hitmen) had an incentive to hurt them. It's so obvious though, right? The NFL schedule comes out for the year, Future takes a little look and makes a couple calls. Bada bing bada boom.
Now with all that being said, do you guys realize how close this coach was to getting 50k?
Flying Fajita - Juju reenacts Buddy the Elf
Every time I see Juju Smith-Schuster making headlines, a tear comes to my little blogger eye. His touchdown antics have become an integral part of the Sauce Awards and probably, definitely, vice versa. And as I say with each new celebration he graces us with, this was his best performance to date. Seeing an ode to THE greatest Christmas movie of all time (not up for debate) was the best present I received this Christmas aside from the canvas printed picture my living Grandfather sent me of himself on a cruise.
Braveheart - Vince Williams just wants to cuddle
Wouldn't it be amazing if instead of lumping penalties into broad categories like unsportsmanlike conduct or personal fouls, NFL officials had to specifically say what the infraction was? And wouldn't it be more amazing if all of the hand signals were impromptu since there is no way to know all of the things that might and could happen? Yes, yes it would. And it would most certainly look something like this:
Ed Hochuli runs to the middle of the field with his giant biceps and goes, "cuddling!" and then he puts two hands to his ear and tilts his head to the side pantomiming a nap, "#98 on the defense, 15-yard penalty, 1st down, Houston." And all of us watching at home would say, "wow, thanks ref in the white hat," because the people who know his real name is Ed, don't want to seem like know it alls. "Even though that was a terrible call against my team and this league has become soft, I'm happy you gave us your interpretation of what cuddling looks like."
Oh, and then also Deandre Hopkins would make these catches whenever he wanted because he decided that he is above the laws of physics and we couldn't really stop him if we wanted to at this point.
Loco Bueno - The Butt interception
I'm punishing myself for thinking that every, '"butt" something' is still super funny by writing mature stuff for the rest of this paragraph. I'll be using words like allegory, saxicolous and parsimonious in list order because I do not know what they mean but if I mention them consecutively you may believe that I know some word stuff. That's really it, I didn't have a great plan except maybe throwing one more big word in to cap this thing off and show you that I don't think butts are humorous. Callipygian.
Nobody gets an honorable mention this week because Santa forgot a couple important presents on my list and I need you to feel what I feel right now.
See you next week.